One Question
ONE QUESTION YOU SHOULD ASK YOUR KID
You want to prevent underage viewing of pornography in your family? Here’s how …
Have ongoing conversations with your kid about: sexual messaging, pornography, body parts, dating, sexual behavior, and personal religious beliefs and values.
The best pornography prevention tool available is a “parent.”
A parent having conversations with their kid.
Here are some quick research facts: About 10% of the parents nationally have had conversations about pornography with their children. That means 90% of us have never had a conversation about porn with our kids!!
Having ongoing conversations with our kids directly reduces “Risky Sexual Behaviors.” (“Risky Sexual Behaviors” is a term used by researchers to include all kinds of unwanted sexual behavior such as viewing porn, sexual intercourse etc. ) Risk for “Risky Sexual Behaviors” increases – When a kid learns exclusively about sex from pornography. With frequent parent-child conversations even if your kid is viewing porn it won’t be his/her exclusive source about sexual knowledge. Risk for “Risky Sexual Behaviors” increases – When a kid first learns about sex from pornography. With early parent-child conversations sexual knowledge will come first from parents and not porn.
Do you understand the importance of this concept? The most powerful resource available to prevent underage viewing of pornography (or any Risky Sexual Behavior) is a parent having conversations about sexual topics with their kid.
WAYS TO INITIATE THOSE CONVERSATIONS- “TAKE THEIR TEMPERATURE”
I use the phrase “Take Their Temperature” to represent a technique to see how a child is doing. A parent can initiate a conversation with a child / take their temperature in two ways
- Ask questions
- Anywhere anytime learning
Each of these techniques allow the parents to “Take Their Child’s Temperature”.
SAMPLE QUESTION
Let me give you one question to help you get started.
Magic Questions. Over the past 40 years I’ve interviewed thousands questions to sex offenders-youngest age 9 and the oldest 85. Each with at least one felony sex charge. In attempts to determine problem and need for therapy I’ve tried many different questions trying different words or phrases in an attempt to find the “Magic Question.” A question that would give me the most information without alarming the client. During those years there are probably 5 or so questions that have proven to be a “Magical Questions.”
This is one of the best “Temperature Taking Questions” I know of:
WHAT PART OF ANOTHER PERSON’S BODY IS WRONG FOR YOU TO TOUCH?
I usually ask the question in two parts: “What parts of a girl’s body would be wrong for you to touch?” and “What parts of a boy’s body would be wrong for you to touch?”
This is one of the few questions I have consistently used to assist me in determining the extent of problems and need for treatment – “Take a person’s temperature”. Here’s why I recommend you asking your child these two questions.
First, you can learn quickly if your child knows acceptable “Good-Touch Bad Touch” rules. On a boy – it’s penis and butt. On a girl – it’s vagina, breasts, and butt. Why? Because in most states and countries unwanted touching of these areas by another person is usually a criminal offense, often a felony. And, we don’t want your child to get sexual charges.
- 🔥 Using the “take the temperature” comparison- This child who really doesn’t know “good touch – bad touch” definitely needs some education.
Second, how your child answers, tells you how comfortable they are in talking about sexual topics. Common responses are “Do I have to say the word?” Or other responses suggesting a reluctance to talk about the topic raises concerns. It’s always amazed me how a teen can have 5 felony sexual charges, on his way being removed from the home, etc., yet can’t say the word “penis or vagina.”
- 🔥 Using the “take the temperature” comparison- This child that has difficulty even saying the names for body parts with you is definitely running a temperature. Something is wrong! Perhaps your relationship with your child isn’t strong enough to have such a conversation or perhaps your child simply feels shame or guilt about the topic.
Third, how your child answers tells you how they view sexuality. Answering the questions with slang at times very vulgar slang words, suggests a view of sexuality that tends to objectify the body for sexual purposes. I had a young man this past week respond with a word for a sexual body part that was vulgar – but he said it with ease.
- 🔥 Using the “take the temperature” comparison- This child that uses slang may objectify the body for sexual purpose may be running a fever and may need some additional help.
Fourth, when your child answers with the words penis, vagina, butt, and breast in a conversational tone, you’re there! With these answers, I suspect an adequate perception of sexuality and ability to talk about it.
- ⛄ Using the “take the temperature” comparison- This child likely does not need additional resources.
NOTE: If they answer with the word “Privates” I quickly add and what names do you use for a male’s/female’s privates?
Taking the temperature of you the parent: 😉
In this process, I am also “taking the temperature” of you, the parent. As you ask your child these questions pay attention to your voice your feelings. How comfortable you are in asking these two questions? How comfortable are you in listening to the answers? If you can’t have this conversation with your child, you’ll never be able to have the more challenging sexual conversations.