by Dr Rick | May 10, 2020 | Self-Love
I’m asked regularly questions like:
“dr rick, how can you even stand to be in the same room with that guy…
…who just killed the bank teller,
…who just molested the neighbor girls,
…who just kidnapped and raped the store clerk?”
I explain the difference between “worth” and “worthiness.”
One day … Joe staggered to Church.
Joe had been a client for several months. However, recently he had been homeless. His parents and siblings were active in the Church. They never missed a meeting and always sat on the front row. Joe began drinking in his early teens and began drifting away from the Church. By 17 he was addicted to cigarettes and alcohol. Joe wanted nothing to do with the Church. He always smelled like cigarettes. His parents like the parents of Alma, prayed for their son to return to church. Several years later, one Fast Sunday he came back. A younger sibling nudged dad to look at Joe who just walked into the back of the chapel. Dad and Mom smiled with contentment at one another. Later in the testimony meeting Joe began walking towards the pulpit. The parents noticed he was staggering. Their heart sunk in despair. He reached the pulpit. His slurred words ended as he passed out! He was drunk. He fell to the floor at the foot of the Bishop.
Joe’s sins stunk.
One day … Brigham drove his chopper to Church.
Brigham was a young adult I met while doing a Fireside on addiction up in the Tri-City area of Washington. He sat in the back. He stood out because of his long shoulder length hair- with a strand of purple. His ears were gauged and face had several piercings. And believe me, no one could miss his tattoos. Brigham’s dad was in the Stake Presidency. After the fireside, I met Brigham in the parking lot. His forearm had a very noticeable tattoo of a naked lady. He expressed a desire to return to church activity. After we visited he put on his Nazi helmet and leathers and rode off on his chopper motorcycle.
Brigham’s sins were an eyesore.
One day … The Smith Family drove their Dodge Caravan to Church.
The two younger boys were dressed in suits and carried their personal triple combinations- interesting enough the youngest boy was obviously too young to even read. The two girls were beautifully dressed in homemade dresses and hair bows. Mom looked like she stepped out of LDSModestDress.com (I made that up.) and Dad like he was ready to talk at General Conference. Surely the Smith Family kept all the commandments all the time. (Of course, there is no such family as the Smiths-I made them up too! But many Mormons really believe they exist, figure that out.)
Smith family had no sins.
WHAT’S YOUR LIMIT IN JUDGING ANOTHER’S “WORTH”?
At what behavior do you judge another?
Is it cigarettes, alcohol, tattoos, piercings, dropping the F-bomb, etc etc.
Could I wear, say or do something that could stop you from treating me with respect? Make you avoid me? Keep you from loving me?
The answer is probably YES.
What if like –they (the Joes and Brighams of the world) really did come back to church- as Thomas S. Monson has requested:
“Come back and feast at the table of the Lord, and taste again the sweet and satisfying fruits of fellowship with the Saints….“ (Looking Back and Moving Forward, Ensign, April 2008)
Let’s assume that once again
… Joe staggered
… Brigham rode his chopper
and
… The Smith Family drove their Dodge Caravan
to church.
And YOU happened to be ALONE in the foyer as they walked up the sidewalk to the church. No one around. No one watching. (No one would know.) How would you feel? What would you do? How would you treat each of them? Would you treat them differently?
DON’T CONFUSE “WORTH” WITH “WORTHINESS”
Well, the question of worthiness is easy… If we used the analogy “the price of gold” to represent worthiness the Smith Family would be worth $1400 an ounce! (Assuming they even existed.) On the other hand, Joe and Brigham’s worthiness would be much less – NO Temple Recommend for them! They need some serious repenting. Worthiness has to do with SIN. Worthiness is not a gift. We must earn it. Worthiness changes based on our behavior. If we are “good” we receive blessings; if we are not, we don’t.
Back to our church…
What are you thinking…as you smell Joe’s cigarettes and alcohol and see Brigham‘s piercings and naked lady tattoo– approach you? I’m not asking you to evaluate how many temple recommend questions they flunk… (There certainly is a time and place for the worthiness interview. But this isn’t it.)
I’m just asking how would you treat them?
(Hint: John 8:3-11; Matt 25:34-40)
WORTH
Ahhh, now we have to think… What is the worth of a soul? Any soul?
But what if their sins stink?
But what if their sins are an eyesore?
But Joe and Brigham are real losers!
The answer is the same for murders, bishops, rapists, relief society presidents, child molesters, prophets …Joe and Brigham and even the Smith Family.
“Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.” D&C 18:10
There is no less worth of a soul-because of a tattoo, a body piercing, being drunk, having a temple recommend, etc etc.
“GOLD”
If we used the analogy of “gold“ again…
the Smith Family, Joe, and Brigham- each are 24 K gold. Worth is inherent in each of us – a gift- because we are a son or daughter of God with a “divine nature and identity.” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World).
Our worth –being 24 K gold –remains the same-
… Joe for example unprocessed 24 K gold,
… Brigham for example a 24 K gold nugget,
… and The Smith Family a 24 K gold coin.
To be Christ-like we must learn to see like Christ.
The Prophet Samuel choosing David to be king taught us- “The Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:6-8. Jesus is capable of seeing the 24K Gold in each of us- regardless of our condition or worthiness.
Worth has to do with the SINNER. Though lives and circumstances may change, an individual’s worth CANNOT!
… You cannot sin enough to change your WORTH in the sight of God!
So,
when I’m sitting across from a murder,
spending hours with a rapist,
asking hundreds of questions to a child molester…
I’m trying my best to treat them for what they are Worth.
The judge makes the judgment of Worthiness…
and typically sends “these children of God” to jail and prison.
(Which by the way I support.
There is a time and place where judgment is the right thing to do.
But going to prison doesn’t change an individual’s WORTH.)
As Victor Hugo says in Les Miserables
–To love another person is to see the face of God-
Each of us are “children of God.” Each of us has some of that “Godly DNA” inside.
Sometimes, it is a challenge to see God’s face in some of His children.
CHALLENGE:
Learn the difference between acknowledging another’s worthiness and their worth.
“I have in my heart a love for all of God’s children. I have no ill feeling toward any human being. With you, I hate sin, but I love the sinner. We all have need to repent.” ( Ezra Taft Benson, “The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson” (1988), 75)
The truth shall make you free.
Read: God Loves You THIS MUCH!
dr rick
by Dr Rick | Apr 8, 2019 | Self-Love
You are responsible for your ability to love, but not for the outcome of another’s life. You can do everything right as a parent or spouse, but there is no guarantee your child or spouse will change.
A reminder why its important to develop “Self-Love” a healthy focus on self:
Jethro Teaching Moses
If I have invested all my esteem, my love, my time and my effort in working out or worrying about someone else’s salvation, how much time and energy to I have left to work on me? In Exodus 18, the Lord teaches this principle to Moses. The story begins with Jethro, Moses’ father-in-law, bringing Moses’ wife and sons to meet him. While visiting Jethro, Moses’ father-in-law becomes aware of Moses’ Codependency,
And it came to pass on the morrow, that Moses sat to judge the people: and the people stood by Mosses from morning unto the evening. And when Moses’ father-in-law saw all that he did to the people he said, What is this thing that thou doest to the people? Why sittest thou thyself alone, and all the people stand by thee from morning unto eve? And Moses said unto his father-in-law, Because the people come unto me to inquire of God; When they have a matter they come unto me; and I judge between one and another, and I do make them know the statues of God and his laws. (Exodus 18:13-16).
One might wonder, “What is Jethro worried about? Isn’t Moses doing the Lord’s work from sun up to sun down? What more can one do? Surely God would approve of such behaviors?” Jethro, being inspired of the Lord, counsels Moses:
And Moses’ father-in-law said unto him, the thing that thou doest is not good. Thou wilt surely wear away, both thou, and this people that is with thee; for this thing is too heavy for thee; thou are not able to perform it thyself alone. (Exodus 18:17-18)
Jethro recognized that Moses would eventually “wear away” if he continued doing everything himself. Perhaps he might of ended up having a “nervous breakdown” and end up in a psychiatric ward. Jethro instructed Moses to appoint lesser judges and to delegate power to them. Then Jethro gave Moses a promise:
If thou shalt do this thing, and God command thee so, then thou shalt be able to endure, and all this people shall also go to their place in peace (Exodus 18:23)
For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? Mark 8:36
How Does One Develop Self-Love?
1. Spend Time Alone
One must take time to be alone to develop self-love. In Matthew 7:3, Jesus said: “And why beholdest thou the mote that is in the brother’s eye, but considereest not the beam that is in thin own eye?” Codependents must focus on the “beam” in their own lives before various strategies and interventions aimed toward “mote” in the addict’s life will be effective. Each of us needs to understand that our priority is to return to God and make the necessary changes in our life to do just that, In part, this is done by taking time to be alone. Each codependent must become sufficiently self-reliant to work out your personal salvation privately. If our personal “spirituality bucket” is empty what can we offer those around us who are in need of “living water?”
It is difficult to make time for ourselves in such a busy world. The needs of church, community, our children and our spouse can be demanding. In order to be alone, at times important tasks will have to be postponed or even left undone. Imagine the kinds of activities that might have been left undone by Moses when he went alone to Mount Sinai leaving the Israelites behind. If Moses had remained with the Israelites would they have begun worshiping idols? Using Christ as another example, might have someone benefitted from a blessing while Christ was in the desert alone for 40 days and nights? However inconvenient, these absences, (when individuals took time to be alone and with God) benefitted the entire human race in ways that can’t be measured.
Perhaps the best scriptural example illustrating the importance of being alone is found 
in Matthew 14:13. Here disciples tell Jesus that John the Baptist has been beheaded “When Jesus heard of it, he departed thence by ship into desert place apart.” The people heard where Jesus was going and they followed him by the thousands. Jesus ministered unto the 5,000 “beside women and children” and fed them. After the miracle of feeding the onlookers, the scriptures tell us:
And straightway Jesus constrained his disciples to get into a ship, and to go before him unto the other side, while he sent the multitudes away, he went up into the mountain apart to pray; and when the evening was come, he was there alone. (Matthew 14:22, 23).
For whatever reasons, after the death of John the Baptist Jesus arranged things to be alone.
For many codependents, the guilt associated with spending time alone and caring for themselves will make this assignment nearly impossible to complete. However, continue your efforts in hope. If time alone is spent effectively, someday you can find the “hidden treasure” YOU! You will become acquainted with your inner feelings, your aspirations, and the blessings promised you in your patriarchal blessing. God wants it this way. Only Satan would have you believe it is a sin to work out your own salvation.
2019 (C) Docyoucan
by Dr Rick | Feb 18, 2019 | Codependence, Self-Love
Having worked in the psychological profession for 40+ years I’ve learned techniques to determine whether or not a individual is emotionally healthy. One of the best and most effective way is determining the level of focus one has on him/herself. Here is the “Self-Love Meter” diagram I use when I talk about self- foucs.
SELFLESS (CODEPENDENCE)
This is how the “Self-Love Meter” works. The meter begins at the bottom and is identified with a “0” with the words “Selfless – (Codependence)”. Codependence is an extreme of self-love. It is a dysfunctional form of loving others. It occurs when one becomes so preoccupied about working out another’s problems that one’s own problems becomes neglected. A personal experience can teach this idea. As a psychologist, I often have the opportunity to be in psychiatric wards. I recall one occasion when a good member of a local Christian church was hospitalized. The referring psychiatrist described her as having so overextended herself in serving others that she had experienced what many would call a “nervous breakdown.” I arrived at the hospital early Saturday morning and began to look for this patient. She wasn’t in her room or on the wing. As I poked my head into her assigned room, all I saw was a small pile of what appeared to be dirty laundry on her bed. I asked at the nurse’s desk and discovered that this good sister was across the hall doing the laundry of fellow patients. This Christian Sister always went the “extra mile” no matter what her personal circumstances. If the Clergy needed her to visit someone or do something, she was always there. She had a very hard time in saying “no.” She would leave her home immediately when called upon, whether eating dinner with her family, reading her scriptures, or even while praying. Even while in the hospital she was found doing the laundry of other patients while her own laundry was left undone. This sister truly lost herself in the service of others. She believed that by “giving, giving, giving” she would find peace and happiness. Instead, she found herself inpatient in a psych ward.
“Selfless” is characterized by: No pleasure in receiving; Interest only in others; Wants everything for others; Sees nothing but others; Overlooks needs of self; and Helps others avoid pain. She has withdrawn love from self and turned it towards others. In conclusion, using a faith-based scenario she was so busy serving others she was distant from “God.”
SELFISH (NARCISSISM)
The meter ends at the top and is identified with a “100” with the words “Selfish – (Narcissism)”. Selfish example: The myth of Narcissus is one of the most known Greek Myths, due to its uniqueness and moral tale; Narcissus, was the son of River God Cephisus and nymph Lyriope. He was known for his beauty and he was loved by God Apollo due to his extraordinary physique. Narcissus was the object of the passions of many young women and nymphs, but he was indifferent to it all. The nymph Echo, fell in love with him but she could get no more from him than the others could. In despair, she withdrew into a lonely spot where she faded away until all that was left of her was her sorrowful voice. Because Narcissus didn’t love her the ways she wanted him too.The young women rejected by Narcissus asked the heavens for vengeance. Nemesis heard them and arranged for Narcissus’ punishment. One very hot day, Narcissus bent over a stream to take a drink and saw his own face, which was so handsome he immediately fell in love with it. From then on the stayed there watching his own reflection until he died. This narcissism occurs when a person becomes so preoccupied with him/herself that he/she neglects others. A narcissist only thinks of themselves. He has withdrawn love from others and turned it toward self. Narcissus believed that by “taking, taking, taking” he would find peace and happiness. Over the years I’ve been involved sending many folks with “narcissistic” traits to prison!
“Selfish” is characterized by: No pleasure in giving; Interest only in self; Wants everything for self; Sees nothing but self; Overlooks needs of others; and Avoids personal pain. In conclusion, using a faith-based scenario Narcissus was so busy serving himself he was distant from “God.”
SELF-WORTH
Self-worth, a healthy emotional state, is a balance between the two “focus on self” and “focus on others.” However, there is one overriding principle:
When you become so preoccupied and worried about another person that they neglect their own personal – emotional, physical and spiritual needs – It is always dysfunctional.
A person with a healthy self-worth receives and gives with pleasure; Interested in self & others.There are certain emotional, physical, and spiritual needs each of us have. We are responsible for meeting these needs. You will have to decide what those emotional, physical and spiritual needs are for yourself. For me, there is a certain amount of sleep I need; time to ponder and read scriptures; and certain amount of exercise.
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Joe had been a client for several months. However, recently he had been homeless. His parents and siblings were active in the Church. They never missed a meeting and always sat on the front row. Joe began drinking in his early teens and began drifting away from the Church. By 17 he was addicted to cigarettes and alcohol. Joe wanted nothing to do with the Church. He always smelled like cigarettes. His parents like the parents of Alma, prayed for their son to return to church. Several years later, one Fast Sunday he came back. A younger sibling nudged dad to look at Joe who just walked into the back of the chapel. Dad and Mom smiled with contentment at one another. Later in the testimony meeting Joe began walking towards the pulpit. The parents noticed he was staggering. Their heart sunk in despair. He reached the pulpit. His slurred words ended as he passed out! He was drunk. He fell to the floor at the foot of the Bishop.
