by Dr Rick | May 11, 2020 | Sex
WHEN YOU HEAR THE WORD SEX…
What do you think of?
Do you think…
PORNOGRAPHY IS POISON. Pornography, with its sleazy filth, sweeps over the earth like a horrible, engulfing tide. It is poison. Do not watch it or read it. It will destroy you if you do. It will take from you your self-respect. It will rob you of a sense of the beauties of life. It will tear you down and pull you into a slough of evil thoughts and possibly of evil actions. Stay away from it. Shun it as you would a foul disease, for it is just as deadly” (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Some Thoughts on Temples, Retention of Converts, and Missionary Service,” Ensign, Nov. 1997, 51).
(I realize this particular quote is about pornography… but let’s not forget pornography is about sex.)
Or how about this one:
UNCHASTITY NEXT TO MURDER. In the category of sins, the Book of Mormon places unchastity next to murder. (See Alma 39:5.) As Alma states, “Now … I would that ye should repent and forsake your sins, and go no more after the lusts of your eyes, … for except ye do this ye can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God.” (Alma 39:9.) (Cleansing the Inner Vessel, Ezra Taft Benson, Ensign, May 1986)
Or this one:
INTENTIONAL CONTACT FORBIDDEN BY GOD. Any sexual intimacy outside of the bonds of marriage—I mean any intentional contact with the sacred, private parts of another’s body, with or without clothing—is a sin and is forbidden by God” (Richard G. Scott, in Conference Report, Oct. 1994, 51; or Ensign, Making the Right Choices, Nov. 1994, 38).
Or this one from the For The Strength of Youth:
DO NOT AROUSE SEXUAL FEELINGS. Never do anything that could lead to sexual transgression. … Before marriage, do not participate in passionate kissing, lie on top of another person, or touch the private, sacred parts of another person’s body, with or without clothing. Do not do anything else that arouses sexual feelings. Do not arouse those emotions in your own body. (Sexual Purity, For The Strength of Youth)
Of course, these statements are 100% true.
However, these and similar statements focus ONLY on
ONE aspect of sexual relations.
-spiritual consequences of misusing sex-
It’s no wonder many of us view
SEXUAL RELATIONS as BAD, DIRTY, OR EVIL.
As members of the Church, in our effort to promote sexual abstinence before marriage and faithfulness after marriage we tend to focus on this one aspect of sexual relations: SPIRITUAL CONSEQUENCES OF MISUSING SEX.
There is eternal harm to teenagers (and adults) walking around with boiling hormones believing:
-there is shame and embarrassment talking about sex.
-only bad people think about sex.
-if I enjoy sex therefore, I am evil.
-sex is dirty.
-sex is “carnal, sensual and devilish.”
Oh the stories I could tell about strange believes religious persons have about sexual relations. …
In my opinion, the world focusing on the physical body -sexual pleasure- aspect and we in the Church, focusing on the spiritual aspect –particularly the negative aspects- causes a variety of problems including – increased pornography problems for our males and for our females -making the producer of “Magic Mike” and the author of “50 Shades of Grey” very very rich!
Hugh B. Brown sums up my thoughts:
Sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose. (P. 76.)
Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function [of sex] is concerned. The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose. (P. 73.) (
You and Your Marriage, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1960)
The problem still exists in 2013. This “illiteracy,” includes not only what they don’t know, but also what they have learned or come to believe about sex.
The Problem: “SEXUAL FRAGMENTATION” –Satan’s tool
“The spirit and the body are the soul of man” (D&C 88:15); hence there are spiritual and physical aspects of sexuality. Remember “Wherefore, verily I say unto you that ALL THINGS unto me are spiritual…” (D&C 29:34) that include sexual relations.
There is a spiritual aspect of sexual relations—
We in the Church tend to emphasize this aspect.
There is a physical aspect of sexual relations…
We in the World (particularly with pornography) tend to emphasize this aspect.
Thus, creating “fragmentation” of sexual relations.
Note: “Fragmentation”- dividing, separating, breaking up of – the spiritual and physical aspects of sexual relations.
Talking about the danger of “fragmentation” of sexual relations Jeffrey Holland warns us,
“…and to give only part (the physical part) of that which cannot be followed with the gift of your whole heart and your whole life and your whole self (the spiritual part) is its own form of emotional Russian roulette. If you persist in sharing part without the whole, …, in giving parts and pieces and inflamed fragments only, you run the terrible risk of such spiritual, psychic damage that you may undermine both your physical intimacy and your wholehearted devotion to a truer, later love. ” (Of Souls, Symbols and Sacraments, Jeffrey R. Holland, BYU Devotional 1988)
As a psychologist who specializes in sex (That sounds weird when I see it written) a red flag suggesting a need for “sex-specific treatment” is – casual sex, sex without a relationship-the spirit (mind and heart) is not involved. (This can be a problem even with couples “happily” married in the temple!)
This Mormon Channel interview What’s the biggest difference between what the world teaches and what the gospel teaches about sexuality? explains more about sexual fragmentation. You only need to watch the first 3 minutes…. it’s worth it.
We need to honestly communicate the awesomeness of God’s gift of marital sex-both spiritual and physical.
The sexual relationship in marriage was created by God with the intent of giving intense physical pleasure for both husbands and wives in marriage. (If your sexual relations is not doing this-its time to talk with your spouse.) Read:
God’s Love Chemicals. GOD’S PLAN FOR SEX
God intended sex to unite us physically, emotionally, and spiritually as “ONE”. I believe God would want us to tell the whole sexual story…in addition to reminding us that there are serious spiritual consequences to misusing sex, we should
emphasize the positive PLEASURABLE,
EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL ASPECTS OF SEX
resulting when used
“within the bounds the Lord has set”.
Sample physical aphrodisiacs might inlude: “Believe you are suppose to have a sex drive. Sex was created for you to feel great physically. And you’re suppose to feel aroused!”
Sample spiritual aphrodisiacs might include: “a long conversation” or “prayer” before sex!
When we combine the physical with the spiritual, sex is stupendous, because it encompasses all that God has created it to be.
Expanding the concept of the physical aspect of sex David Bednar explains:
Sexual relations are in mortality one of the ultimate expressions of our divine nature and potential and a way of strengthening emotional and spiritual bonds between husband and wife. (We Believe in Being Chaste, Ensign, May 2013)
Perhaps Spencer W. Kimball says it best:
“The love of which the Lord speaks is not only physical attraction but spiritual attraction as well.” (Faith Precedes the Miracle, 130–31).
And when we “fragment” the physical pleasure from the spiritual bonding, we lower sexual relations from its rightful spot in the Celestial Kingdom.
CHALLENGE
If you’re married, have sex according to God’s Plan.
If you’re not married, wait.
dr rick
by Dr Rick | May 11, 2020 | Sex
While transporting Young Men along I-15 in Utah to a church activity, there is a giggle from a 13 year-old as he reads the bill board-
While teaching at BYU education week a mom told me “My 11 year old daughter and I were watching America’s Most Funniest Home Videos and a K-Y Jelly commercial comes on talking about ‘pleasuring one another.’ She asked me what does that mean? What do I tell her?”
The First – Baptism of fire is by the Holy Ghost. (
D&C 39:6)
In my opinion, The Second – Baptism of fire is Puberty.
“A youth boiling with hormones will wonder why he should not give full freedom to his sexual desires; and if he is unchecked by custom, morals, or laws, he may ruin his life before he matures sufficiently to understand that sex is a river of FIRE that must be banked and cooled by a hundred restraints if it is not to consume both the individual and the group.” (As quoted by Neil A. Maxwell “Behold, the Enemy Is Combined” (D&C 38:12), General Conference April 1993)
Each of these fires-the Holy Ghost and Puberty…are part of God’s plan.
…make powerful changes in our lives.
…require preparation and teaching from others.
…must be successfully engaged to enter the Celestial Kingdom.
PUBERTY GIVES POWER FOR PROCREATION
and
“The power of procreation is NOT an incidental part of the plan of happiness; it is THE KEY
AT WHAT AGE DO I HAVE THE “SEX TALK” WITH MY KIDS?
The parents asked.
I said, “You’re kidding me right?”
“Remember what I do for a living?”
I evaluate sex offenders-mostly juveniles. Just this week I’ve seen two 12 year boys for felony hands-on touching offenses (Both are active LDS and go to Church). I’ve completed thousands of sexual evaluations. Tragically, there have been plenty of times where I – “Dr. Rick” – was the first adult to have a frank and personal “sex talk” with that youth 🙁 At times, the young man has his Eagle Scout and president of the Teacher’s quorum, but a one-on-one with an adult was too embarrassed to say out loud the names for male and female private body parts…. etc etc
Simply said, if it was 1840 and you’re a pioneer coming across the plains maybe it was okay to have “A” sex talk with your kid when he was 13 or 14. It is now 2020 and you’re not a pioneer and IF you’re asking the question –
IT’S ALREADY TOO LATE!
Don’t you get it?
Satan and his angels have been having the “sex talk” with (you,) your children and grandchildren for years –
– since they started watching TV,
– since they started listening to he radio,
– since they started going to a public school,
– since they started riding in a car on a freeway,
– since they started listening to music,
– since they started doing social media,
etc etc
Satan successfully influences us and our children everyday about “the power of procreation” – using his doctrine as the guide. (See: You Can’t Say That in a Chapel! and Satan Exposed.)
Never, Never, Never, …. miss an opportunity to talk to your children and grandchildren (or spouse for that matter) about sexual relations in God’s way – ideally EACH TIME a SEXUAL CONVERSATION IS TRIGGERED by a song, by a billboard, by a commercial, by a public display of affection, etc etc-
We cannot continue to let Satan’s team be the primary source for “power of procreation” information.
DEMAND EQUAL time for discussions on healthy and divine sexuality.
HOW POWERFUL IS SATAN’S INFLUENCE?
If you need a strong reminder of just how powerful Satan’s sexual influences are just taking a look at
Carl’s Junior commercials – … these commercials have all aired on
public TV. :
( (
CAUTION to those of us who have reached puberty: These are very sexual commercials…
Satan has engineered these commercials to trigger God’s Love Chemicals. Sexy Carl’s Jr. Commercials 2006-2013
Can you imagine what a naive 14 year old boy might experience in watching these commercials?
If hamburger commercials can be this sexual, can you imagine what kind of addiction potential “real” porn has on young men and women?
CONCLUSION
A sexualized world including pornographic materials will continue to be readily accessible to our children and adolescents. Sexualized messaging influences the development of our children and adolescents, it affects how they think and behaves sexually.
WHAT CAN I DO
One might ask How do I help my children and grandchildren “develop a hundred restraints” to manage the “FIRE” associated with puberty?
START HERE
– PREPARE youth (if they are prepubescent) INFORM youth (if they are already pubescent) about the changes that occur during puberty. Be sure to include the part about the heightened pleasures of touch and arousal-
“You should prepare your children for the changes that accompany puberty before these changes actually begin. (If it is too late have discussions with them anyway.) Puberty is the process by which hormones cause the body to change in ways that make procreation possible. These changes mark the passage from childhood to adulthood. The processes are clean, good, and divinely mandated. There is no certain schedule, but this process usually begins between ages eleven and thirteen …The changes of puberty permit us to experience remarkably heightened pleasures of touch and arousal. But we have the agency to control the emotions and behaviors leading up to intentional sexual arousal. “ (A Parent’s Guide Chapter 5: Teaching Adolescents: from Twelve to Eighteen Years)
Follow the baptismal pattern …. missionaries, home teachers and/or parents take time -often several lessons- to teach about baptism and the holy ghost before the first fire-and the Gift of the Holy Ghost is given.
I’m asking you to do the same, before the baptism of the second fire-puberty.
Talk openly about normal processes of puberty like menstruation for girls and nocturnal emissions or “wet dreams” for boys. Use the correct language for body parts. Never use slang.
START NOW
If you have trouble using these words with your children or grandchildren – get over it. (Watch: What if talking about sexual intimacy makes me uncomfortable?)
If your child is already pubescent read this chapter out loud together.
If your child is prepubescent you and your spouse read this chapter and decide how to proceed.
(I mean really, how “Sexy” could it be – it’s on LDS.org and an official Church Guidebook?)
Follow up with ongoing brief discussions as they are triggered in your day -to-day living.
Teaching them along the way
MARRIAGE GIVES PERMISSION FOR PROCREATION.
dr rick
by Dr Rick | May 11, 2020 | Pornography, Sex
FIRE!
Fourteen-year-old Joe had three felony sex charges. He was also the Teacher’s Quorum President in his ward. I was doing the Sexual Behavioral Risk Assessment. At the time Joe and I were sitting in lock-up. He would be there until I finished the eval. Upon release, Joe was not going home. The State didn’t take custody of him so we had built a Safety Plan for him to live with grandpa and grandma. Eventually, Joe would go through the normal juvenile sex-offender track – provide a DNA sample, complete intensive sex-specific therapy, complete probation etc. etc.
Joe had been in puberty for several years. His body’s love and sexual response chemicals have been turned on, as they should. These sexual response chemicals are generally located in the “Feeling Brain” and are strong and constant. But, Joe had no real understanding of those chemicals or how to manage his “Feeling Brain” – the unquenchable sexual flame burned out of control.
SEX INSTINCT
Our physical bodies have several natural instincts like hunger, thirst, fatigue and of course Sexual Desire. In the animal kingdom, we refer to it as an instinct to mate.
“The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose.” (You and Your Marriage, Hugh B. Brown, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1960 p. 73)
“There is in your body (Not in your spirit) the SUPERNAL power to create life. …” (Boyd K. Packer, Ye Are the Temple of God, Ensign, Nov 2000)
These and other similar references clearly suggest the sexual desires and behaviors have their origin in our PHYSICAL BODY particularly in the “Feeling Brain.” The love and sexual arousal responses are caused by a series of neurotransmitters and hormones in our three-pound brain.
This brief video “Your Brain In Lust & In Love.” details the chemistry associated with the three stages in love: lust, attraction and attachment.
Here is a video displaying an LDS perspective from Dr. Hilton: “Why Pornography is so Addicting” and of course his book He Restoreth My Soul. And here is another great book by a couple of Christian MDs: Hooked on the same topic. There is plenty of research.
SO YES
– when you hug, view porn, focus on a sexy hamburger advertisement, flirt, etc etc you will “almost always” automatically trigger some of the love or sexual response chemicals in your physical body.
– when you physically touch another person you will “almost always” automatically trigger some of the bonding and attachment chemicals in your physical body.
Like every other son and daughter of Adam and Eve, you have this “power” within you– (If you do not, call me and we’ll begin therapy-so we can recondition the normal love and sexual responses in your physical body.) In part, this exists because of our “carnal, sensual and devilish” nature caused by the Fall of Adam and Eve.
In addition to being present in each physical body, these chemicals have the following characteristics:
“It was necessary that this power of creation have at least two dimensions: one, it must be strong; and two, it must be more or less constant…” (Boyd K Packer, “Why Stay Morally Clean,” Ensign, Jul 1972)
So don’t panic WHEN (not IF) YOU, your children and grandchildren show evidence of having “love or sexual response chemicals .”
Although love and sexual response chemicals are a human “instinct” they must be controlled by our “Thinking Brain”– judgment, reason, the knowledge of right and wrong and our SPIRIT.
If the spirit yields to the body, it becomes corrupt; but if the body yields to the spirit, it becomes pure and holy. (Brigham Young, Discourses of Brigham Young, 267.)
Do panic IF YOU, your children and grandchildren allow the “love and sexual response chemicals” to burn out of control- because of a lack of motivation or management skills.
Clearly one of the punishments-for Satan and his followers not receiving a body – is the inability to experience love and the sexual response….. How would you like that? 🙁
To better understand the relationship between the physical body, spirit body, and mind see The Anatomy of a Soul.
SUPERNAL POWER IS LIKE A FLAME UNQUENCHABLE
This SUPERNAL SEXUAL POWER is like a “Flame Unquenchable” (M. Russell Ballard, “Like a Flame Unquenchable,” Ensign, May 1999.) Unquenchable suggests it never ends it will keep on burning.- throughout eternity 🙂 and if left uncontrolled will burn the whole house down.
God’s Way
The pilot light gets lit in early adolescence during a process known as PUBERTY. The pilot light remains lit… at times even forgotten about by the owner. The pilot light can warm an entire home when “Kept within the bounds the Lord has set.”
Satan’s Way
The “unquenchable fire” if left uncontrolled by the owner will burn the house down. Joe, our young teacher friend discussed above, allowed his “unquenchable fire” of pornography, masturbation, lust etc etc to burn uncontrollably.
Our greatest glory OR destruction comes from how successful we manage our love and sexual response chemicals – our unquenchable flame. Learning how to have our “Thinking Brain” control our “Feeling Brain” is an essential part of this process.
“It is difficult sometimes … to understand … because this God-given power of procreation carries with it a power of destruction. But it has, because of its life-giving nature, the possibilities of THE greatest glory and joy that can come to a living soul.” (The Abundant Life, Hugh B. Brown, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1965, 127)
REVIEW
1. Your physical body is the great prize of mortal life. To fill the measure of your creation you have to have one.
2. God placed “Love Chemicals” in your physical body.
3. Your physical body and your spirit body (and mind) make-up your soul. (See: The Anatomy of a Soul.”
4. When your physical body and spirit body are separated, you cannot have a fullness of joy- in part because of the love and sexual response chemicals are in the body not the spirit.
5. Your eternal happiness depends on your Spirit Body successfully overcoming the “desires, appetites and passions” of your physical body.
“GODLY GLUE”
I’ve pondered how these “Godly Love Chemicals” will be empowered during the resurrection -Especially for those married in a temple. Surely these chemicals in a perfected form will play a role in forming the “Godly Glue” keeping my wife and I “cleaving” to one another throughout eternity.
CHALLENGE
Take time and hug and kiss – “trigger” some of God’s Love Chemicals – in someone you love. See: Human Connections Start With A Friendly Touch . I like to use the 30 second touching rule- its plenty of time to trigger the “attachment and bonding” chemicals especially with grandkids 🙂
dr rick
There is eternal harm to teenagers (and adults) walking around with boiling hormones believing:
