Check out: Brief History of Codependence How Do Normal Families Adjust To Addiction? Persecuting Behaviors Suffering Behaviors - Are You A Martyr?

 FIRST RESPONDERS COME TO THE RESCUE - IN THE NAME OF LOVE

Generally, it is impossible for those with addictions or other problem behavior to maintain their dysfunctional behavior in isolation. They need a supporting system of codependence. An addict or person with a problem needs you! The dysfunctional behaviors developed by surrounding loved ones in an  effort to help a person with a problem behavior are referred to as "Codependence." I refer to these codependent behaviors as Rescuing Behaviors, Persecuting Behaviors, and Suffering Behaviors.  It has been my experience.the primary goal of codependence is to help the identified person and to show love. Certainly, there is no great sin in trying to help or to love another person! Unfortunately codependent behaviors are generally ineffective in changing another person's behavior. Rescuing Behaviors, Persecuting Behaviors, and Suffering Behaviors tend to support and to maintain the problem behavior. I use the term "identified person" to represent the loved-one with a problem behavior. The problem behavior may be an addiction, mental illness, physical handicap, anger, self-harm, etc. [caption id="attachment_194" align="alignleft" width="207"] © Tom Grill/Corbis[/caption] In our Christian society, many believe that if a person is in need, we are responsible to help.  Behind every irresponsible addict – or identified person - is often a hyper-responsible person. Rescuing behaviors are often the initial response of “first responders”. First responders are among the first to arrive and provide assistance at the scene of an emergency, such as an accident and natural disaster. Their job: identify the problem and provide immediate help. If there is a fire, put it out! These rescuing behaviors often protect the identified person from immediate consequences of their own irresponsible behavior and prevent growth from occuring.  The damage caused by Rescuing Behaviors include:
  1. When done in excess the Rescuer becomes worn out, exhausted, etc.  Saying, "We can do this." Really meaning "I'll do this for you."
  2. The identified person with a problem behavior becomes weaker - because someone is doing for them what they could have done for themselves. Saying, "Here let me do this for you." 
  3. The Rescuer reinforces the identified person's inability to scuceed. Saying, "You really need my help. You can't do this." 
Here are examples of a few Rescuing Behaviors.  Denying Denial is a common behavior developed by surrounding loved ones of an identified person. Several assumptions follow the admission that a member of the family has a problem. One assumption is the false belief, “If there is a problem with them then there must be a problem with me.” In essence, a codpendent assumes they have failed because their loved-one has a problem. If it is your child, then you have failed as a parent. If it is your spouse, then you have failed as a partner. If it is your parent, then you have failed as a child. Much pain, guilt, and confusion come with accepting the truth that a loved one has a problem behavior like addiction.  The intensity of denial seems greater with those who are sincerely involved in their religion. Often, the more active a person is in religion, the more difficult it will be for them to determine healthy boundaries for helping. A Christian codependent mistakenly equates "Rescuing Behaviors" with "Christ-like love." Religious persons tend to be so fearful that an addiction or some other problem may be occurring in their family that they deny and overlook the clear signs of it. An analogy that helps explain the concept of denial is that of a child who recently went swimming. If that child were standing dripping wet by the swimming pool, wearing a swimming suit, we would not likely ask questions like “Where have you been? What have you been doing?” Codependents, often confront an identified person in a similar fashion - although clearly observing evidence of a problem behavior whether it be anger, viewing porn, alcohol, etc, a codependent may ask something like "What's going on?" The most classic case of denial is the codependent acting like nothing is wrong- not talking about "the elephant in the front room."  Substance abuse example Perhaps the Golden Question most commonly asked by religious codependents when alcohol, drugs or paraphernalia are found is, ‘Whose is this?” The substance abuser’s Golden Answer is, “I’m holding it for a friend.” We want to believe their responses so we continue to rescue them from the consequences of their behavior by denying the obvious and accepting their lies. Often it takes the equivalent of a Grand Jury conviction for a religious family to admit that a loved one has a problem. Increased Religious Activities Religious activities often increase during the first stage of codependency. The codependent firmly believes that fasting, prayer, and careful obedience to each of God’s commandments will cure the addict – identified person. After discovering a family member is using drugs, or pornography, etc loved ones often commit to reading the scriptures, going to church, and having saying more prayers than ever before. The underlying goals for such behavior appears to be “Get God to Fix Him.” The increased religioius activities isn't the problem. The problem is their purpose is a temporary fix and not a change of heart. Covering Up Covering up is a specific behavior that codependents exhibit to clean up or make things better after the identified person has been irresponsible. For example, a wife might call her spouse’s work to report him "ill" with the flu when , in reality he was in bed with a hangover. In an effort to save their child from a police record and experiences in lock-up parents of an identified person will run to the police station to rescue their child. A codependent will clean up the broken glass or hide the empty beer cans to make sure no one finds out. At times a codependent will even miss important church meetings in order to perform the necessary cover-up behaviors. A codependent often becomes so effective in covering up the consequences of the identified person that even the identified person might very truthfully say "There's no problem." In other words, even the identified person does not realize the seriousness of the problems that he or she might be causing because the codependent has done such thorough job in covering up.  Lying Rescuing behaviors become so intense that codepndents will begin to tell "white lies." For example, when church leaders, friends and family members ask "How are things going?", the rescuer responds with "It's not bad," or "I'm fine," or "It's okay,"   The lying process is called "minimization," and it is a rescuing behavior. The lies are typically unintentional and often unnoticed. A codependent lies to children, to neighbors, to church leaders, and most commonly to self. Summary: In summary, typically the identified person - the person with the problem e.g. alcohol use, viewing pornography, anger etc. already believe they can't change. When you exhibit rescuing / enabling behaviors you're demonstrating the same- You don't believe they can change either. 😢  Here is my Facebook Live video on this topic: The Doc #docyoucan #codependence    "/>

Rescuing Behaviors- First Responders

by | Mar 4, 2019

Rescuing Behaviors- First Responders

Check out:
Brief History of Codependence
How Do Normal Families Adjust To Addiction?
Persecuting Behaviors
Suffering Behaviors – Are You A Martyr?

 FIRST RESPONDERS COME TO THE RESCUE
– IN THE NAME OF LOVE

Generally, it is impossible for those with addictions or other problem behavior to maintain their dysfunctional behavior in isolation. They need a supporting system of codependence.

An addict or person with a problem needs you!

The dysfunctional behaviors developed by surrounding loved ones in an  effort to help a person with a problem behavior are referred to as “Codependence.” I refer to these codependent behaviors as Rescuing Behaviors, Persecuting Behaviors, and Suffering Behaviors.  It has been my experience.the primary goal of codependence is to help the identified person and to show love. Certainly, there is no great sin in trying to help or to love another person!

Unfortunately codependent behaviors are generally ineffective in changing another person’s behavior. Rescuing Behaviors, Persecuting Behaviors, and Suffering Behaviors tend to support and to maintain the problem behavior. I use the term “identified person” to represent the loved-one with a problem behavior. The problem behavior may be an addiction, mental illness, physical handicap, anger, self-harm, etc.

© Tom Grill/Corbis

In our Christian society, many believe that if a person is in need, we are responsible to help.  Behind every irresponsible addict – or identified person – is often a hyper-responsible person. Rescuing behaviors are often the initial response of “first responders”. First responders are among the first to arrive and provide assistance at the scene of an emergency, such as an accident and natural disaster. Their job: identify the problem and provide immediate help. If there is a fire, put it out!

These rescuing behaviors often protect the identified person from immediate consequences of their own irresponsible behavior and prevent growth from occuring. 

The damage caused by Rescuing Behaviors include:

  1. When done in excess the Rescuer becomes worn out, exhausted, etc.  Saying, “We can do this.” Really meaning “I’ll do this for you.”
  2. The identified person with a problem behavior becomes weaker – because someone is doing for them what they could have done for themselves. Saying, “Here let me do this for you.” 
  3. The Rescuer reinforces the identified person’s inability to scuceed. Saying, “You really need my help. You can’t do this.” 

Here are examples of a few Rescuing Behaviors. 

Denying
Denial is a common behavior developed by surrounding loved ones of an identified person. Several assumptions follow the admission that a member of the family has a problem. One assumption is the false belief, “If there is a problem with them then there must be a problem with me.” In essence, a codpendent assumes they have failed because their loved-one has a problem. If it is your child, then you have failed as a parent. If it is your spouse, then you have failed as a partner. If it is your parent, then you have failed as a child. Much pain, guilt, and confusion come with accepting the truth that a loved one has a problem behavior like addiction. 

The intensity of denial seems greater with those who are sincerely involved in their religion. Often, the more active a person is in religion, the more difficult it will be for them to determine healthy boundaries for helping. A Christian codependent mistakenly equates “Rescuing Behaviors” with “Christ-like love.” Religious persons tend to be so fearful that an addiction or some other problem may be occurring in their family that they deny and overlook the clear signs of it. An analogy that helps explain the concept of denial is that of a child who recently went swimming. If that child were standing dripping wet by the swimming pool, wearing a swimming suit, we would not likely ask questions like “Where have you been? What have you been doing?” Codependents, often confront an identified person in a similar fashion – although clearly observing evidence of a problem behavior whether it be anger, viewing porn, alcohol, etc, a codependent may ask something like “What’s going on?” The most classic case of denial is the codependent acting like nothing is wrong- not talking about “the elephant in the front room.” 

Substance abuse example
Perhaps the Golden Question most commonly asked by religious codependents when alcohol, drugs or paraphernalia are found is, ‘Whose is this?” The substance abuser’s Golden Answer is, “I’m holding it for a friend.” We want to believe their responses so we continue to rescue them from the consequences of their behavior by denying the obvious and accepting their lies. Often it takes the equivalent of a Grand Jury conviction for a religious family to admit that a loved one has a problem.

Increased Religious Activities
Religious activities often increase during the first stage of codependency. The codependent firmly believes that fasting, prayer, and careful obedience to each of God’s commandments will cure the addict – identified person. After discovering a family member is using drugs, or pornography, etc loved ones often commit to reading the scriptures, going to church, and having saying more prayers than ever before. The underlying goals for such behavior appears to be “Get God to Fix Him.” The increased religioius activities isn’t the problem. The problem is their purpose is a temporary fix and not a change of heart.

Covering Up
Covering up is a specific behavior that codependents exhibit to clean up or make things better after the identified person has been irresponsible. For example, a wife might call her spouse’s work to report him “ill” with the flu when , in reality he was in bed with a hangover. In an effort to save their child from a police record and experiences in lock-up parents of an identified person will run to the police station to rescue their child. A codependent will clean up the broken glass or hide the empty beer cans to make sure no one finds out. At times a codependent will even miss important church meetings in order to perform the necessary cover-up behaviors.

A codependent often becomes so effective in covering up the consequences of the identified person that even the identified person might very truthfully say “There’s no problem.” In other words, even the identified person does not realize the seriousness of the problems that he or she might be causing because the codependent has done such thorough job in covering up. 

Lying
Rescuing behaviors become so intense that codepndents will begin to tell “white lies.” For example, when church leaders, friends and family members ask “How are things going?“, the rescuer responds with “It’s not bad,” or “I’m fine,” or “It’s okay,”   The lying process is called “minimization,” and it is a rescuing behavior. The lies are typically unintentional and often unnoticed. A codependent lies to children, to neighbors, to church leaders, and most commonly to self.

Summary:
In summary, typically the identified person – the person with the problem e.g. alcohol use, viewing pornography, anger etc. already believe they can’t change. When you exhibit rescuing / enabling behaviors you’re demonstrating the same- You don’t believe they can change either. 😢 

Here is my Facebook Live video on this topic:

The Doc #docyoucan #codependence